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Lawyers Can't Be This Stupid - Can They?
Here are some more classic Court transcripts, all recorded by the keepers
of the word in various parts of the world...
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LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.
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LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.
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LAWYER: So, after the anesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you
observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and
put on top of my head.
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CLERK: Please repeat after me: 'I swear by Almighty God...'
WITNESS: 'I swear by Almighty God.'
CLERK: 'That the evidence that I give...'
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: Repeat it
CLERK: No. Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: 'That the evidence that I give...'
WITNESS: 'That the evidence that I give.'
CLERK: 'Shall be the truth and...'
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: 'Shall be the truth and...'
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: 'Shall be the truth
and...'
WITNESS: 'Shall be the truth and. '
CLERK: Say: 'Nothing....'
WITNESS: Okay.
(Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No Don't say nothing. Say: 'Nothing but the truth...'
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: 'Nothing but the truth...?'
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: 'Nothing but the truth...'.
WITNESS: Is that all?
CLERK: Yes.
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: 'Nothing but the truth...'
WITNESS: But I do That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: 'Nothing but the truth...'
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: 'Nothing', 'But', 'The',
'Truth'.
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes. Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: 'Nothing. But. The. Truth.'
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.
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LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down
the footpath to the cowshed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did.
(Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes.
(Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His 'thing'?
WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were
sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: 'Morning, George.'
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